'Uncle Buddy, where is China?'

No wonder the Chinese love Bill Clinton -- because he loves them back. The former president loooooooves China. Always has. Ever since he was a little boy in Arkansas, playing around in his uncle Buddy's munitions factory. How do we know this? Well, it was printed in the illegal and erroneous Chinese version of Clinton's My Life memoir, which hit China's streets in July 2004. Harper's Magazine was nice enough to translate and publish some of the more Sinopurfluous sections in a hilarious piece they called "Bubba Tea." An excerpt:

My uncle Buddy was a little more educated than Papaw, and more knowledgeable. From him I learned about even more wonderful things. Buddy loved to eat ham. Lots of times, he’d buy a ham, bring it home, and call me and my cousins over to eat it together while we chewed the fat. It was from Buddy that I first heard that China was one of the world’s most ancient cultures, that in ancient times its technology was already very advanced, and that very early on it had produced the Four Great Inventions. Take, for example, the cannons that were tested in Buddy’s munitions factory. Originally, gunpowder was invented by the Chinese. Not only that, the compass, printing, and paper were also great creations of the Chinese people. Buddy said, “China’s ancient inventions far surpassed those of all the other countries of the time, especially before the fifteenth century. There’s lots of proof. In those days, China’s science and technology left us in the dust.”

I used to listen raptly to these stories all the time. I knew that the Four Great Inventions were extremely important. I said excitedly, “Uncle Buddy, where is China?”

Buddy said, “In the East, where the sun rises.”

“Quick, take me to China to play!”

“It’s too far away.”

“How long do we have to wait before we can go to China?”

“After you’ve grown up ...”

Ever since I was little, I yearned to go to China. I thought it must be a mysterious and special place. Whenever I saw one of the cannons Buddy tested being fired, saw the force with which the shell came whistling out, I would think how incredible the Chinese invention of gunpowder was.

Thanks Fergus!