… do yourself a favor and don’t throw it down the drain, or at least choose a narrow drain that has a bottleneck somewhere. A Shenyang man failed to heed this advice and recently Lorena Bobbitted himself (story in Chinese). Apparently, he had a fight with his wife and, in a heated moment … cut off his penis … and threw it down a drain. He is only 26 years old, and they plan on staying married. They love each other, but he just couldn’t control his internet game addiction. The story doesn’t really say how the whole scenario went down, so please excuse this little sleep-deprivation-inspired excursion into pulp screenwriting, but maybe this is what happened that fateful night (proceed at your own risk … this screenplay is unrated):
Man: I’m off to work honey.
Woman: No you ain’t, I know where you’re going.
Man: Oh, and just where might that be?
Woman: To the internet bar to play those damn games of yours. You’re twenty-six years old for godsakes can’t you act your age?
Man (angrily): Woman, I told you I was going to work and that’s where I am going. Where do you get off accusing me of going to internet bars!
Woman: I had you tailed.
Man: you what?
Woman: My sister followed you to that internet bar near your office.
Man: Your sister is the one that calls herself “May Flower” on the internet, takes pictures of herself nude and posts them on her blog, where, I might add, she has written several entries on the virtues of having sex in the “wheelbarrow” position!
Woman: What’s that.
Man: Oh yes, your virtuous little sister, bet you didn’t think of that, now did you.
Woman: No, I mean what’s the wheelbarrow position?
Man: What?! Nevermind woman, forget you! I’m out of here. I bring home the bacon in this house and I’m going to do what I damn well please in my spare time.
Woman: You’re never home anymore … and I get lonely, you know, without you around.
Man: Look, I really don’t have time for this shit.
Woman: You know, if you stayed at home more, we could spend more time together … and try the wheelbarrow position.
Man: Is that what this about? Are you insane, woman? Go get yourself a purple glittery dildo or something. They’re on sale right now at the sex shop.
Woman: How do you know that …
Man: I … oh damnit woman, there you go cross-examining me again!
Man turns to leave. Woman reaches out and grabs his crotch, viciously.
Man: Let me go, woman, let me go this instant.
Woman: No, not until you promise me to be home more often.
Man: I’m on the verge of a getting a dragon-slaying sword for Warcraft. Do you have any idea what this means? I’m going to sell it on Ebay to some idiotic American and then I’ll give you that dream honeymoon in Hainan that you had always wanted.
Woman: No more lies. I can tell when you’re lying. I’m not letting you go this time.
Man: all right fine, I’ll stay then.
Man storms off into the kitchen. A “chop” sound followed by a scream.
Woman: Laogong! What’s going in there.
Man emerges holding a bloody schlong in one hand and a cleaver in the other.
Woman (shocked): What, ohmygod, what have you done! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, where’s the phone, I’m calling 119!
Man (thrusting his penis in her face): You want me so bad, here it is. Go wheelbarrow yourself, bitch!
Woman (breaking down): Oh no, no, no, what have you done … please, stay here, I’m calling the ambulance they’ll be here soon.
Man: Oh no you don’t, woman.
Man storms out and finds the nearest neighborhood drain and throws his penis inside.
According to doctors at the hospital, the man’s not in any danger, but he’s going to be pissing through a tube for the rest of his life.
Photo from Flickr.com