This week in Shanghaiist
We are truly blessed by the availability of such a wide selection of affordable bootleg DVDs from around the world. With so many to choose from, though, it's easy to get a little carried away and more often than is probably wise, we find ourselves selecting titles that are ill-advised at the offset. But hey, it's only 7 RMB*, why not? For variety's sake and to satisfy those dark cravings, we often prefer picking up some schlock to throw in the collection just to mix up as well, because a bad movie can often make for a more enjoyable viewing experience (See: Commando) than a mediocre movie trying to be good (See: The Kingdom).
This posting is not about great bad movies, however, this is about the irredeemably bad movies. The films that make you feel violated for watching. The films that are so bad you want to take a cold shower and get a massage afterwards. The films that make you want that 7 RMB* back, immediately and unconditionally. Think of this as a public service, a warning to all the DVD junkies out there. We're usually the first to defend artistic license, but in this case if we can stop just one person from watching one of these movies we'll have made the world a slightly better place. Feel free to add your own suggestions, but remember: this is not just for movies you don't personally like, but for movies (that can be purchased in Shanghai) that you think would be impossible for anyone (even your arch-nemesis) to like.
So here's our list of the four worst stinkers we've come across:
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE When we saw that they got together an assortment of washed up actors (Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, etc.) and threw in the Transporter (Jason Statham) himself, we were on board. Recipe for a camp masterpiece, right? For the first fifteen minutes we thought this was a parody of your standard fantasy epic (with that title, how could it not be?), but we quickly came to realize that no, this film was dead serious and god awful. Many had warned us about director Uwe Boll, but until you see this film you can't truly understand the depths to which he is capable of taking a movie. One critic described this film as being "like a Florida dinner theater production of Lord of the Rings" and when the reviews are better than the movie, you've got problems.
MASKED AND ANONYMOUS Jack Fate (Bob Dylan) comes back from obscurity to perform in a benefit concert and save a dystopian America from itself. The cast list is literally a mile long; it turns out that most of the folks in Hollywood will jump at the opportunity to be in a movie with Bob Dylan, regardless of the content. With John Goodman and Jeff Bridges, we were kind of expecting Don't Look Back meets The Big Lebowski, but this movie failed to be little more than a series of characters repeatedly telling you 'how it is' in the form of extended harangue. Uncomfortable, painfully pedantic, and completely unwatchable.
More crappy movies after the jump!
THE SOONG SISTERS One sister loves power (Vivian Wu), one sister loves money (Michelle Yeow), and one sister loves her country (Maggie Cheung)... and they've each been assigned a color by the costume department. This movie was like Ran for the mentally-challenged. We like our city's history as much as anyone and were excited to watch a movie about Shanghai's single most influential family of the 20th century, but this movie just couldn't execute on any level. It was laboriously paced, lacked any depth, and had a screenplay that read like a third-grade history report. We remember one scene in particular that went something like this: "Who is that?" "Oh, that is Chiang Kai-Shek, a soldier and the protege of Sun Yat-sen. Like you, he was educated abroad and currently he directs the Whampao Military Academy." F-
SOUTHLAND TALES A few years back Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson and Sean William Scott defied all odds and made a legitimately hilarious movie called The Rundown. Hoping to recapture that magic we picked up Southland Tales, but got more than we bargained for: this movie was written and directed by Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) and also had Jon Lovitz (and Laroquette!), Wallace Shawn(!!), Christopher Lambert (!!!) as well as Shanghaiist favorite Bai Ling. We were confused already, but the confusion persisted for another 145 doppel-ganger filled, apocalyptic, time-travelling, distopian-American minutes. The scenes and characters didn't seem to really have anything to do with each other and for the majority of the film just makes zero sense. Also, not sure why, Justin Timberlake lip-syncs an entire song by "The Killers." At least we didn't see the Cannes version of the film which was 160 minutes.
Lessons learned: Ensemble casts are inherently evil. Distopian films are also generally inadvisable (See: Waterworld).
*Prices for DVDs may vary depending on quality and vendor.
Other Shanghaiist contributors recommend not watching:
HITMAN I was looking for a Die Hard style high-octane, people jumping out of the way of explosions whilst they shot two guns at once kind of thing. Unfortunately it wasn't as high brow as that. (James Creegan)
Ett Hål I Mitt Hjärta (A Hole In My Heart) by Lukas Moodysson - Indie Swedish movie that is shockingly provocative without purpose. Scene after scene of disturbing human degradation without a plot. There is no better way to waste 98min of your life. (Wee Ling Soh)
THE LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN'S APOCALYPSE I remembered the first TV series being fairly good and thought it might make for a good hangover film. It didn't. I think i made it to about the 40 minute mark (where for no real reason it goes into some sort of medieval sub-plot) before ejecting it in a hail of expletives. (Jake Newby)
HANNIBAL RISING I can't believe they made this movie, and I can't believe Gong Li is in it. Probably the only bad copy bootleg DVD I ever got that I was glad wasn't a good copy bootleg DVD. (Eric Hu)
BACHELOR PARTY 2: THE LAST TEMPTATION. This is not even a cheap witless cash-in on a `good' lads comedy like American Pie, for example American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. This is a third generation cash-in on the cash-ins. It's got no redeeming features.(Andy Best)
Two words:SLUTTY SUMMER (Pete Chorba)
STAR WARS: EPISODE I and subsequent prequels.(Cameron Wilson)
Ryan Pollack also hated Southland Tales and Rebekah Pothaar was bored by, but did not loath, THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM.
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I have a vague interest in the Soong sisters after reading the cocktail menu at Sasha's so would have probably picked up that DVD if it wasn't for the warning. Thanks.
As for "Slutty Summer", exactly where can that go wrong?
can u track me down ?
can always block the cookies, go via proxy, create varity of accounts base on different email account.
at the end of the day, it not only creat more work load for you also degrade the speedy of comments posting on this site !
is it a game you want to play ?
what?
Yep, that's true. As long as you're still here, why don't you join in the discussion and tell us what DVDs you hated.
Now, you really can't go into an Adam Sandler movie expecting a lot. But I'm somewhat of a Sandler afficiando, enjoying such fare as Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy and even little Nicky - not to mention his tiny bit higher concept pieces like 50 First Dates.
That being said - my god, "I now pronouce you chuck and larry" was possibly the worst movie I've seen since Godzilla with Matthew Brodrick. In my mind, you can offend, as long as you're funny (see: Blazing Saddles or Harold & Kumar), but if it's ridicously unfunny, stereotypical, tired jokes - and I hesistate to call them jokes - then it's just plain offensive.
And "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" is plain offensive. And one of the most un-funny movies ever.
guess someone banned lee an he is back under another id. always fun playing with trolls with more time than common sense.
bad movies... god so many i tried to forget already...and damn, i just did, had a bad one and my mind just wont letme remember, will go home this weekend and find both pieces of the dvd (yeah, i snapped it in half... it was THAT bad) to see the title. The cover looked good... sigh.
I thought one of the "Left Behind" series would be good for a few giggles, but it left me feeling like we deserved an apocalypse, except with Louis Gossett Jr. and Kirk Cameron going straight to hell in sort of an anti-rapture. Far less ironic-enjoyment value than I'd hoped.
The thing about Southland Tales is that it is Revelations from the bible placed in the future - and I don't mean that in an absract way - it quotes revelations all the way through and the characters all match - and it includes the second coming too.
That actually makes me happy. All my friends liked Donnie Darko. I was the lone hater getting laughed at for my reading. From the ideas in the movie and the school teacher scene, I thought that Kelly was going on about God and that he was basically a step away from Intelligent design nutters.
Having watched Southland Tales I see that I was not, in fact, crazy.
Also - I watched Fellowship of the Ring right after watching Dungeon Siege ...
...then I realised that the LotR movies are equally cheesy and and exaggerated. The 'epic' sound tracks on both are unbearable.
those Lord of the Rings films were based on books too I think
I have a huge bee in my bonnet about the books.
They are rightly held up for their technical aspects but other than that ... I mean, it's open knowledge that JRR and CS Lewis sat down and openly discussed their aims to pass on their values to the younger generation in a subliminal way (they judged that more effective).
So Lewis went for Christianity and Tolkien for the values/structures of the British Empire.
The Narnia books are rightly held up to this and considered reactionary ... but LotR is still untouchable like heresy.
Watch the films: Battle of Helm's Deep ...Battle of Rourke's Drift.
I wanted to like Smokin' Aces. I really did. Alicia Keys as a lesbian hit woman. The Piven, being The Piven. A Guy Ritchie-esque style of quick jump cuts and improbable plot lines all tying together.
This film was straight garbage.
There's nothing inherently wrong with having a subtle, positive take on the British Empire. Lord of the Rings is a lot less didactic than, say, "Haroun and the Sea of Stories" or the Dark Materials trilogy. Basically every children's book conveys values.
Who cares if Lewis was Christian, Narnia is a fun series of books. But that movie was shit and I'm sure the sequel will be a natural for this list.
Hi Fjio
What's your definite submission for the list? The Narnia movie? Got any others?
Also - that's interesting, an acceptable positive take on the Empire.
Please continue and describe one.
Andy.
The Stone Merchant is easily the worst out of many bad DVDs I have seen here. It was offensive from a human standpoint as well as an aesthetic one. Don't let Harvey Keitel's presence fool you (though the fact that the two "evil muslim" characters are played by Keitel and F. Murry Abraham is not surprising, given that the message of the movie is: though some Muslims may seem nice, in fact they are all terrorists).