Our favourite satire news source, The Onion, outdoes itself with its latest hardhitting report, “China To Overtake U.S. As World’s Biggest Asshole By 2020”:
WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Monday by a panel of top economists and social scientists, the People’s Republic of China will overtake the United States as the world’s dominant asshole by the year 2020.
The findings, published in the most recent issue of Foreign Affairs, support recent speculation that America’s unquestioned reign as the leading super-prick may soon be drawing to a close, leaving China as the foremost shithead among all developed nations.
“We are seeing a changing of the asshole guard,” said Andrew Freireich, noted economist and lead author of the article. “Although the U.S. will remain among the world’s two or three biggest cocks through much of this century, we can now confidently project that China, with its soaring economic growth, ever-expanding cultural influence, and total disregard for basic human rights, will overtake America as King Prick Numero Uno within the next 10 years.”
Added Freireich, “It’s the dawning of a new huge bastard era.”
According to the report, China has slowly emerged as a massive fucker over the past half century, a period of egotistical growth unseen since America’s booming douche years following World War II.
Over that same time, China has seen a dramatic rise in both its GDP and Shithead Index, definite signs that the Asian nation is developing into a cocksucker of global proportions.
“When you consider China’s wanton pollution, rising militarism, and rampant overdevelopment, it’s clear they’ll soon be thoroughly out-dicking the U.S. in every measurable area,” international affairs specialist Neil Farren said. “Not many Americans want to admit it, but as the yuan continues to get stronger, and millions upon millions are exploited as a result, more and more people worldwide will be looking to China, not America, and saying, ‘Man, can you believe what an unbelievable sack of shit that country is?'”
China’s ascension to supreme asshole status is occurring at a much faster pace than experts originally predicted. In fact, many now believe that by as early as 2015 Chinese citizens will arrogantly strut across the globe disrespecting other cultures and shouting loudly while dressed in XXL “Speak Chinese or Go Home” T-shirts… [Read the full report on other potential assholes like Iran, Pakistan, Russia and India, as well as has-beens like Great Britain here.]
For more Oniony goodness, click here.