By Cal Widdall
Restore your wedding fun with an artificial hymen
In terrible news for unmarried hussies nationwide, artificial hymens have been withdrawn from online sale after Chinese doctors warned the perfidious products could cause serious infections.
The product, popular among women about to wed, consists of ‘little blood chips’ inserted into the vagina before intercourse to produce a fine film.
Blood-colored liquid is produced when penetration occurs, allowing women to feign virginity (and possibly avoid awkward conversations with their previously-optimistic new husband).
The product not only “restores women’s wedding fun,” but also makes bold claims to “prevent bacterial infection, eliminate odors, promote women’s metabolism, enhance sex life and improve the quality of married life”.
Despite sounding fantastic in the above description, the artificial hymen has already proved controversial for different reasons in Egypt, where conservative politicians demanded its ban, with one leading scholar even advocating the exile of anyone caught importing the product.
In equally disappointing news, the ‘Virginal Renewal Stick’ supplied within the same package is also set to become unavailable. One enthusiastic seller on Taobao describes the vaginal tightening device as follows:
From today, if you want to have a virgin’s strong and powerfully stretchy vagina, then you don’t have to visit hospitals or clinics for ineffective plastic surgery. Now, it doesn’t matter how old you are, or if you’ve had two kids or ten kids, or even if you’ve had sex over a thousand times. Just use the Virginal Renewal Stick to gently massage yourself for two minutes, and you’ll once again be a virgin.
Besides including inappropriate reassurance for women who haven’t experienced an orgasm (“this is not the only way to enjoy sex…a pleasant, warm feeling can also be gained from kissing, caressing, and eye and verbal communication”), the posting also has some tips on storage, advocating that you should keep your genital shrinking device in the shade.
It’s soul-crushing to think of all that money spent on ineffective plastic surgery when a powerfully stretchy designer vagina was available for just 37RMB (plus shipping and handling) all along. Just tragic, really.