No doubt Poirot would solve this mystery, uncovering the true owners of the disputed islands along the way, within his 50 minute running time
By Cal Widdall
The Chinese Embassy in Tokyo has received a bullet in the mail from a sender named ‘Yoshihiko Noda’. No letter was attached (which we find a bit rude) and a spokeswoman for Japanese Prime Minister Noda has already denied that he sent the bullet. After years of watching bad detective dramas and Scooby Doo, we feel our expertise could prove invaluable so we’ve compiled our own list of 5 possible suspects below. You’re welcome, Tokyo Metropolitan Police.
1. Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda – We’re not sure if we buy that denial… You think you hate your job? THIS man hates his job. Twelve months of being a pragmatic, tough decision maker and what does he have to show for it? An approval rating of 22% and thousands of people yelling nasty things at him from outside his office every week. Why not have yourself removed from office with a stunt like this? Plus, it would make for one fantastic Poirot-esque twist if it really was Noda.
2. Someone else named Yoshihiko Noda – Tired of living in his namesake’s shadow, Noda 2 decides to finally step into the light by sending a death threat to the nation of China. Ironically, everyone assumes the name Yoshihiko Noda refers to Noda 2‘s arch nemesis, the current Japanese prime minister. Cue fist shaking and loud exhaling.
3. Bo Xilai – Run for the hills, and re-educate yourselves while you’re there. His diabolical scheme of revenge, ‘Sing Red, Smash Back’, has begun.
4. This idiot.
5. Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara – As far as we know, Ishihara’s devilish master plan to start a war between Japan and China could be made up of three steps: 1. Buy disputed Islands; 2. Send bullet to Chinese embassy; 3. Sodomise panda with rolled up Mao portrait.
Some would say that the bullet was most likely sent by a nationalistic Japanese airhead, with toes connected better than their synapses, but The Shanghaiist lives in an upside-down world where people spend their weekends attempting to convince the government to go to war. We’ll stick with our crackpot theories, thank you.