As reported by Foodbeast, Brand Eating, and Gawker, McDonald’s China has launched a new more-American-than-America burger, the Sausage Double Beef Burger.
I got excited when I saw this news, not because I’m a particularly big fan of McDonald’s (this is a lie), but because I thought it would be another opportunity to subject our food editor Ben Cost to some Chinese Frankenfood potentially as disgusting as Pizza Hut’s shrimp tempura, mayo, and hotdog pizza which he memorably described as so vile he had to “unquit smoking just to get the taste out of my mouth”.
As I prepared to send a vindictive email to my stalwart colleague, I realised that I had in fact, eaten this particular McDonald’s creation not two days ago.
My foot in agony from a blister I’d picked up and made significantly worse from intensive boxing training, I’d staggered across town to buy a new iPhone 5 cable, after the one that Apple provided had completely crapped out after about two weeks. In pain, irritated, and dangerously under-caffeinated I decided to treat myself to some fast food.
The Sausage Double Beef Burger was displayed front and centre in the particular McDonald’s I chose, and though I didn’t take into account the promotional nature of the product, when the server asked if I wanted to try it and pointed at something that seemed to be at least 90 percent meat, I readily agreed.
The Sausage Double Beef Burger consists of two sausages and two burgers, drizzled in American mustard, placed between two light, non-sesame-seeded buns. It is fucking delicious.
Let’s rate the burger’s constituent ingredients, from least to most appealing:
Non-sesame-seeded bun – Why are there sesame seeds on normal buns, I am not a rabbit.
Lack of any vegetables – Fast food is unhealthy, vegetables trick the dim witted into thinking otherwise.
Meat – Meat is fucking delicious.
American mustard – American mustard is America’s single greatest culinary achievement.
Unlike the typical China-specific fast food inventions, the McDonald’s Sausage Double Beef Burger has universal appeal. Unless you’re a vegetarian, but no one cares about appealing to vegetarians. While I may not have noticed that I was eating something new, I did appreciate that I was eating something special.