By Patrick Lozada
If (when) it comes, China will be the center of the world zombie apocalypse.
It’s not tough to work out. China is the most populous country in the world. It has an authoritarian government that has a history of censoring public crises. It has remote areas that could be swallowed up by the shambling menace without a peep, as well as hyper-populated cities that are the epitome of zombie bait. Oh and don’t forget China’s deficiencies in terms of public health, its inability to effectively regulate possible zombie apocalypse vectors like tainted foods and corporations gone mad, and the general lack of firearms among the populace (the NRA fails the world, wins the zombie apocalypse).
And there are indications it may have already begun. Do you remember the rash of face-eatings last year? And why would the government censor the Chinese origin of the zombie threat in the upcoming zombie epic World War Z if they didn’t have something to hide?
So we’ve established that it is going to happen here. Do you have a survival strategy? Here are our best tips for remaining uneaten and uninfected during a Shanghai zombie apocalypse.
1. Skip the roads, take to the Huangpu River
While zombies might be able to overwhelm you on land, they suck at swimming. Find a boat.
2. Get a bike
A car might sound safe and appealing, but they are really death traps. Cars get stuck in traffic, require fuel, and make noise that will attract zombies, bikes don’t.
3. Escape to the countryside
The undead will be fewer and farther between, increasing your odds of survival. Line of site will also be greater away from Shanghai’s ubiquitous high rise.
4. Stock basic survival supplies
This is what the Center for Disease Control in the US recommends. Their advice reminds us that preparation is an important part of the zombie apocalypse.
5. Live in Pudong
This is the only time you’ll ever hear us say this. The lack of people, the eerily wide roads, and the plethora of gated communities mean that you’ll be able to see the zombies coming and avoid them.
6. Get some stinky Tofu
This suggestion comes from @TheSinologist — “How about creating the diversions with Stinky Tofu.” Genius. Chòu dòufu will hide the smell of tasty human flesh.
7. Use fireworks
Those 7am wedding fireworks may end up saving you in the end by distracting the undead horde. Larger fireworks can also function as grenades at a push.
8. Go see the Avocado Lady
More so than most fresh markets, the avocado lady stocks a lot of non-perishable goods. And there would totally be worse places to wait it out — lots of wine, cheese, and a strong metal grating in front that would hold up better than the entrances to most larger store.
9. Arm yourself
Although guns are nigh impossible to lay your hands on in Shanghai, there are manifold methods of massacring mobs of undead. Cleavers are pretty ubiquitous — try that. @DrillerTime suggests “stockpiling construction tools for weapons, stick to the roofs, and head south.”
10. Run with a mixed crowd
A group made entirely of expats are going to die. Not only will a group of expats not know the area as well, but it will also be less able to communicate with other survivors. Start preparing now by making Chinese friends. Coincidentally, this will also make you less of an insufferable laowai — but yeah, zombies is the real reason.
Got anything you want to add? Let us know how you’d weather a zombie attack in the comments section below.
(Thanks to everyone who contributed suggestions on Twitter, join in the conversation at #chinazombie.)
Top image: James Griffiths. Xi Jinping zombie created with Dead Yourself. Photos: @viphotos, @vermazeren, @avlxyz, @stuckincustoms, @rossap, @thewamphyri, @parmiter.