While I’m not quite comfortable with the author identifying his girlfriend but not himself, and his slightly patronising description of her, considering that most of the quotes make him look bad, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe you can wear it… if you have a show. But not in real life.
On German food:
What’s the name of the food that looks like a penis?
Me: From 1 to 10… How happy are you with me?
GF: *thinks for 5 secs*
GF: *thinks again*
On the ravages of time:
My dad was very skinny and handsome when he was young. Now he is like you.
On love at first sight:
At the beginning I didn’t like you because you’re fat… (long pause) Well, you’re still fat… (longer pause). I’m confused now.
Image credit: @fotofisken, for illustrative purposes only