Like the stray dogs which have learned to navigate the Moscow subway, there exists a subset of humans who have also developed a fiercely specific skill set to match the times we live in. Pick-up artists (PUAs) all over the world have dedicated themselves to wooing the amorous affections of womankind. According to local PUAs Shanghaiist spoke to however, winter is coming, and no amount of Stolichnaya can weather this hypothetical man-pocalypse.
Women everywhere are allegedly shunning the advances of men and turning to other vagina-havers to satisfy the yearning in their lady loins. What’s a pick-up artist to do in a lesbian takeover?
Wait, what? Lesbian takeover?
RedPoleQ Boot Camp Instructor of Pick Up Asia, believes that in the larger scheme of things, “it is likely that there will be more lesbians.”
He explains that during the industrial revolution, “the distribution of women matched the distribution of wealth. I feel like that’s starting to shift. The income distribution among women is shifting because women can support themselves. There’s not really much reason for them to look towards men for money. There become fewer and fewer men who become interesting to her.”
He observes that, “women are a lot more motivated by emotional experiences.” A corollary of which is that gender, physical attractiveness and so on are comparatively less important qualities than they are for men. So in lieu of the fact that women no longer look to men for financial stability RedpoleQ explains that the woman can essentially give or take whether the “right emotional impact” is provided by a girl or guy.
Drawing on another generality, Pick Up Asia’s Shanghai instructor Kane Vast cites an experiment which he claims proves that all women are bisexual, at least physically. Participants were hooked up to sensors which gauged their objective feelings of sexual arousal while they watched various kinds of sex; heterosexual, homosexual, solo and even bonobo (ape) porn. The most relevant finding was that all females, regardless of self-purported claims of heterosexuality, indicated physical signs of sexual arousal when watching porn depicting lesbians and female solo masturbation.
So there we are. Three reasons why men will soon serve no other purpose for human race than as bipedal sperm factories. Women are much more interested in the emotional impact of a person. And since all women are at least physically attracted to other females, they can just as easily find an emotional connection with a woman. Most importantly, since women no longer need to look outside themselves for the financial stability that only men could provide during the donkey and cart days, it is likely that more and more females will be open to the possibility of relationships with other women.
I have a penis, how can I survive the lesbian takeover?
As is the case with the stray dogs of Moscow, there will always be a handful of pitying women who may toss you a bone(r), but the assured survival of the PUA community will need much more than this. How will the PUA community, mankind’s last hope, adapt to this lesbian takeover? Let’s examine three existing methods that might be adapted to match the coming matriarchy.
i) Plausible Deniability
One way that our PUAs said they would turn the lesbian takeover to their advantage is by preying on the fence-sitters. They would do so by using a method known in the PUA community as “plausible deniability.” This method can be used to achieve a number of different outcomes, but lets just shoot for the stars here and say that you’re angling for a threesome with a pair of women who happen to be only 90 percent lesbian (which, as we’ve already established, is nearly all women).
RedPoleQ explains that, “for most women, being in a threesome is not okay and so they need plausible deniability for why it is okay.”
Plausible deniability, though not exactly coercing, is a term devised by PUAs for when they provide women with enough leeway so that she can deny having had any agency in its outcomes. This means that the PUA won’t ask the girl directly whether she wants to have a threesome. Instead, the PUA devises a series of occurrences in which the woman can consent but is not required to admit to any sort of active participation in the lesbo-loving.
Kane Vast elaborates, “now, let’s say you’ve got a girl who’s interested in being with another girl. Most of the time, girls aren’t going to overtly express things. So having a guy to lead them along, they can go ‘well I tried it because he wanted to do it.’ That makes it much easier.”
Essentially extending on the previous point, another way that PUAs intend to make the most out of the lesbian takeover is to learn how to initiate polyamorous relationships. Redpole Q offers some suggestions on how to get the ball rolling.
“It’s not a great idea to sit down with a girl and talk about how you want to sleep with other women. Not because she would be against it, but admitting that she would be okay with that is a societally not okay. It implies that she doesn’t respect herself and so it’s not okay for her to agree with it.”
“What she needs to understand is that it’s not just the guy getting off on some other girl, it’s about us enjoying being with another girl together.”
“I think in terms of the three-way relationship you’re not really going to propose it, it’s like when you have a new friend and she starts turning up to more and more things and eventually you start spending more time together. It happens as a gradual process.”
However. “It would definitely require a lot of relationship management skills. It would also require a lot of self-awareness, for all three people,” Redpole Q warns.
iii) Female PUAs
With the above suggestions in mind, it wouldn’t hurt to have a female collaborator on your side. Lesbian pick-up artists, a relatively new addition to the PUA community, would surely welcome this hypothetical- yet absolutely likely- change in courting culture. Forging an unknown path for herself in such unexplored territories is Glamour, a senior-level female pick up artist based in Hong Kong.
Her advice to her female PUA compatriots is to, “ignore what gender the girl claims she is interested in”. At some point every lesbian will falter over the question, “is this girl gay or straight?” But Glamour notes that “making assumptions about the girl’s preferences makes you more reluctant to approach her.”
More importantly, she believes that gender interests shouldn’t matter. Often quoting David DeAngelo, a pioneer of the modern seduction industry and mastermind of the ‘cocky-funny method’, she says “‘Attraction is not a choice.’ Once the girl is attracted to you, nothing else matters to her.”
Survival training, over. Granted, none of the above advice will help all you genetically impotent men in the long run, but it will help make the inevitable lesbian takeover a little more enjoyable than if you were to just miserably masturbate to it from afar.
[Image credit: James Griffiths // Photos: Baidu]