The socialist liberators at the Korean Central News Organization must have gotten the feeling that Kim Jong Un was down in the dumps, because they’ve written an extensive praise-piece that would make even the most dictadorial of dictators blush with a bit of embarassment. Let’s begin.
These are in order from least crazy (which is still pretty much balls-to-the-wall) to the craziest, which defies explanation.
5. All traits of Kim Jong Un are distinguished but what is most charming among them is his noblest virtues.
This is a sentence that sounds like it makes sense, but which doesn’t make any sense at all.
4. He boundlessly loves children, patting them on the cheeks and complying with their impertinent requests.
Impertinent requests presumably involve not being executed as relatives of a disgraced party official.
3.[After his father died] Kim Jong Un took urgent measures to arrange places where people could warm themselves and provide hot teas, honeyed water and others at the mourning places and made sure that the convenience of the people participating in the mourning event was put above all.
Dictator. Murderer. Waiter.
2. Kim Jong Un’s noble loving care for the people would be unthinkable without his transparent outlook on the people.
We barely know this man’s age, let alone anything about his government, outlook, or nukes. To say that his government is as transparent as cement would make cement seem like a shoddy building material.
1. When he meets soldiers and people, he warmly hugged them, walking with them hands in hands and whispering to each other. […] He has photo sessions with soldiers and people shoulder to shoulder and arms in arms.
Twice refers to “soldiers and people,” as if the former weren’t the latter. Also, any sweet nothings whispered by Kim Jong Un to his soldier pals are surely horrifying. Also, grammar.