By Erik Crouch
Clearly taking inspiration from his previous works “Everything on Fire” and “Nuclear Apocalypse,” director/dictator Kim Jong Un’s new propaganda film is sure to be another international sensation. Flush with flag-waving jingoism, the DPRK’s new flick depicts troops springing across the DMZ into South Korea with guns blazing and tanks spitting fire. This is—although it’s a bit early to tell—the North’s first propaganda video in some time that doesn’t contain plagiarisms of any American videogames.
NKNews provides a translation of the video’s message, which outlines how the DPRK’s invasion will go down:
The First Day
On the first day, once the order is given, the North Korean people’s army will fire 240mm MRL (Multiple Rocket Launcher), 250,000 Medium/ long-range ballistic missile, and 1000 SSM (Surface-to-surface missile) for the first 30 minutes toward South Korea and the U.S. combined bases, like a shower from the heavens.
We will launch a preemptive attack by surprise with hit-and-run raids.
Meanwhile, 50,000 Special Forces infantryman will make a surprise attack to South Korea and the U.S combined air force base, naval base , missile bases and other power plant.
North Korea’s special forces will enter Seoul and take 150,000 Americans living in South Korea as prisoners of war, which will be a decisive blow.
We will attack Air forces with missiles and bombs. South Korea and America’s combined air forces will be in a panic, without even one plane having taken off.
The Second Day: North Korea army’s powered offensive
10,500 North Korean air force paratroopers will drop from a 80 m high altitude.
Meanwhile, 4600 tanks and 3000 armored cars will head to South Korea.
Our infantry troops will approach South Korea’s city and sweet them out.
Of course, right after the War has began, we will strike the U.S.’s pacific ocean’s bases first and wipe them out.
The Last Day (The Third Day)
South Koreans including from Seoul and other cities will be in a state of confusion without any food supply, water supply, communications network, and traffic network.
On the last day of war, there will be no battle but North Korea army will occupy South Korea and make a stability operations such as restoring provision systems in South Korea.
Like this, we have a Unification War scenario that will be finished in just 3 days. Even though the U.S. keeps practicing the invasion of North Korea War scenario with computer simulations, they are trembling with fear and can’t open the scenario to the public.
Looks like everything will work out great! The entire conflict will be finished in just three days, presumably led by Kim Jong Un astride a unicorn, touting his “Sexiest Man Alive” award. No worries, comrades!